In today’s fast-paced world, we try to navigate complex, often competing demands while protecting our focus from constant distractions. The ability to truly listen is rare. Yet, it’s one of the most powerful skills a leader or parent can possess. It can build trust, improve communication and strengthen relationships at work and home.
The International Coaching Federation (ICF) defines active listening as “the ability to focus on what the client is saying and not saying.” It is one of the main coaching competencies. As a coach, I regularly witness the magic of active listening. It allows clients to open up, engage in the process, get clarity of thoughts and feel truly heard. In this blog I would like to share a few tips to help you improve your active listening skills as a leader and a parent.
1. Eliminate distractions
This step seems to be obvious, yet we often overlook it. At work, during 1:1s try switching off your notifications, putting your phone on silent and closing the laptop. Focus on listening and only when necessary refer to data or note actions focus on the computer or devices.
Eliminating distractions at home can be even harder as our little ones don’t book time with us to discuss important matters. They can share their thoughts or feelings spontaneously. When they do, make sure you put your devices away, stop what you are doing and listen, be present for them. Sometimes they need just a few minutes of your time and they can move on. You can also try to build rituals when you talk about their days during dinner, bath time or bedtime.
2. Focus on listening
Just listen. Maintain eye contact and be natural. When you focus on listening you may naturally nod, or tilt your head slightly. You may want to say “mhm”, “Oh, I see” or “Tell me more”. Wait for the person to finish. At this point of the conversation, you don’t need to think about responding, solving problems, giving advice and all the things that you can do for them. Your priority is to listen to what they are saying and not saying (observing body language, any pauses, any changes in intonation, speed, tone etc.).
3. Mirror back, paraphrase, summarise
Wait for the person to finish and then you can mirror back what you have heard to check your understanding. You can paraphrase what the person shared with you or summarise their thoughts. It allows them to hear their thoughts from someone else and check if they communicated them as they wished. They always have a chance to disagree with your summary or add something extra. It also allows you to get clarity on the issue.
4. Observe body language and non-verbal cues
Noticing gestures, facial expressions, tone of voice, speed of speech, breathing etc can help you spot underlying feelings and emotions like overwhelm, stress, anger and frustration, which can prevent your direct report from finding the best solutions. Depending on your relationship, you may want to ask them how they are feeling and simply acknowledge that you see why they might be feeling like that.
Your role as a parent of course is more demanding. As high emotions can lead to a full meltdown and you may need to focus on soothing first and addressing the issue later. If this is not a crisis mode, you may want to help your child name feelings and emotions “I can see you are sad” or “it must be frustrating /annoying/ scary”. It helps them name and validate emotions. You are teaching your child how to manage their emotions.
5. Ask open-ended questions
This is probably one of the trickiest moments as you have the understanding of an issue now and you can easily jump into offering advice or simply telling your direct reports or your kids what to do. Asking a few more prompting questions can change the course of the conversation, allow you both to find better solutions and focus on the right issue.
At work, you may experiment with questions like:
- ”What is the most challenging part of this situation for you?”
- “What is the most important thing here?”
- “What would your success look like today and at the end of this project?”
- “What is the first step you can take?”
- “What would be the most useful/ impactful for us to discuss?”
At home, you may want to try:
- “What would help you to feel better?”
- “What would you wish for now?”
- “What would your favourite superhero do in this situation?”
Depending on the answers you get, you can support your direct reports or your kids in finding the best solutions to their issues.
Improving your active listening at work and home improves understanding, connection and growth. If you would like to develop your communication skills further, please get in touch to book a free discovery call. Let’s discuss how coaching can support your journey.